Curiosity

I was recently exposed to a new children's author, Oliver Jeffers. The boys and I have really enjoyed reading his books together. I enjoy his stories and art. I came across an interview he did and found this quote interesting:

Telling Stories and Asking Questions by Oliver Jeffers, published on 11/9/2013 HuffingtonPost
"I'm a curious person. I grew up that way. An important lesson my dad taught me was that the surest sign of intelligence in an individual, is curiosity, and that 'why' is the most important word in the English language."

Before we were married, I used to think that I was a smart girl, because I did well in school. (On the flip side, Brett didn't make straight A's--you can guess what I thought about his intelligence.) The longer I am married to Brett the more I am impressed with him, and the more I realize how very wrong I was. I regularly reflect on my husband's intelligence and his ability to do anything he set his mind to (except maybe sing...).

I think it all goes back to curiosity. I see how my husband is wired to wonder how things work. Then he figures it out and applies his knowledge. His hobbies are quite varied and self-taught.

It thrills me to see a little of this same curiosity in my son, Ryan. His hands are always busy, and he asks a lot of "why" questions, which I often deflect to my husband. Unfortunately, his schoolwork also resembles his dad's. I am afraid it will require great patience on my part dealing with his approach to school and homework. I hope that I can keep in mind the great things his father has done and look forward to what Ryan has to offer.

(Don't worry, Todd. You and I are both smart in our own ways, even if we don't have that natural curiosity.)

The Golden Rule

Poor little Ryan came home from school and shared a bad experience from his day. First of all, this morning his class presented their oral presentations for Black History month. Ryan talked about Jackie Robinson, and I thought he did a great job. A volunteer took pictures and filmed the students. Ryan was one of the students featured on the end of the day school news program. Apparently, he found that embarrassing. Then he told me that the lunch lady laughed at him and called him a baby. I was a little confused until Ryan clarified that these were two unrelated incidents.

I made a mix-up when packing the lunches before school. Ryan got something Todd had picked out for lunch, and Ryan expressed his dislike. I imagine it was something like a very whiny "I didn't want those fruit nuggets in my lunch." The lunch lady who was standing nearby addressed his ingratitude and said something along the lines of, "Don't be such a baby." At least, this is the story I get from Ryan. Whatever was said and however it was said was hurtful enough that Ryan broke down and cried telling me the story. I tried to tell Ryan that the lunch lady probably hears whiny, ungrateful kids all day long and might have said something hurtful unintentionally because she was out of patience. But, even when I tried to look at the situation from her point of view, I still can't imagine that her words were justifiable.

It saddens me to hear name-calling. It especially hurts my heart to hear an adult calling a child names. Even when a child is being a little whiny or even a little obnoxious, name-calling has no place. I don't think adults realize how hurtful it is to call a child a "baby" (how often do you hear that??) "sissy" (I heard that one a week ago), "candy" (a new one I heard that over the weekend), telling a boy he is "acting like a girl" and so on.

Later in the evening Ryan brought up the Golden Rule. He pointed out that the lunch lady knows the Golden Rule. (I bet she has at least heard of it.) So, why would she treat someone a way that she wouldn't want to be treated? Good question. I think we are all guilty of saying something we later regret.

I used this as opportunity to remind my boys (and myself) how much our words can affect others. I am reminded of this great quote:
"Unless what you are about to say or do has a high probability for making things better, don't say it and don't do it" (Dr. Glenn I. Latham, "The Power of Positive Parenting").

The Intimacy of Smell

Last week I finished reading a book by my favorite author of young adult novels, Shannon Hale. It is called "Book of a Thousand Days" and is not part of a series. According to the inside cover, "...this little-known classic fairy tale from the Brothers Grimm is reimagined and reset on the central Asian steppes...."

The main character of the story describes a custom of her people:
"In greeting, we always clasp forearms, touch cheeks, and inhale through our noses so as to breathe in each other's scent"
[I did a little online research and discovered that this really is a customary greeting of the Polynesian island nation, Tuvalu.]
"Smell is the voice of the soul, and this greeting is the most intimate. It's common among family and clan, of course, but I've been on my own for so long, I'd forgotten how warm and wonderful it is" (p. 173).

I find this a fascinating greeting. I can see that it is so intimate that it would be reserved for those dearest to you. As I reflected on various greetings, I found it interesting how we can use all the senses as we greet those close to us. Sight, sound ("Hello"), and touch (hand shake, hug) are natural greetings. But we also include taste (While a kiss is not much of a "taste" of someone else, I know I have experienced a "taste" of my children after kissing a slightly salty forehead.).

Why should smell not be included in our greetings? I often found myself inhaling the newborn baby scent of my boys. What surprised me was how much I would continue to inhale their scent, long after it morphed from newborn to little boy.

"...As we gripped arms, he pulled me closer, resting his cheek against mine, and inhaled through his nose, taking in the breath of my soul" (p. 213).

Before I became a mother, a coworker of mine had told me that she loved the smell of her kids when she leaned in to wake them up in the morning-even when their scent was slightly less than ideal. At the time I thought it was strange. Now, I think I get it. We want to experience those we love with all five senses. We want the memory of them to stick with us, always.

"Things worn closeset to the skin, to the heart, carry the scent of a person, and of course, scent is the breath of the soul" (p. 48-49).

I finished reading this book the week before Brett left. I had noticed in the past that I would breathe in Brett's clean scent, resting my head against his chest in a hug. Last week, I found that I was more intentional--like I wanted to breathe in a part of him and keep that part of him with me while he is away. I would be close to him like that thinking, "I miss him already."

Now I am left to think something along these lines:
"Is it wrong for me to imagine laying my head on his chest and closing my eyes and breathing in his smell?" (p. 214).

Just to clarify: I have no desire to smell Brett as he is currently sure to be smelling.... I would prefer to breathe in the clean "breath of his soul".

Big Adventures

You may be aware that Brett has been working toward a Big Adventure for himself--working, planning, preparing for over a year to do something that will fulfill a life dream of his. I am proud of him for making his dreams come true. He is an inspiration. He demonstrates that dreams don't happen by chance. You have to work to make them come true.

I am excited for him. I look forward to hearing how this Big Adventure changes him. I am looking forward to reading his journal even more than I am looking forward to seeing his photos of the gorgeous scenery.

But I also feel a little envious of his Big Adventure.
Not that I resent him in any way.

And I feel a little left out or left behind from his Big Adventure.
Not that I feel that he is in any way abandoning me or our family.

I just want to have my own Big Adventure.
Not that I have any desire to do the Big Adventure that he is doing....at all.

But I do want to have a Big Adventure that changes me, affects me deeply, creates memories and feelings that are life-lasting.

I will be having my own little adventure this year while Brett is having his Big Adventure. The question is, how can I use my adventure experiences to their greatest advantage? It is my responsibility to make the best use of my time. To be in the moment. To plan activities with my boys that will be meaningful. They may not be life-changing. But we can still create memories and feelings that are life-lasting.

Brett and I had a great conversation this weekend. A real conversation. So many conversations are superficial that those real conversations, by comparison, hit you--Right.There.In the chest.

We talked about adventures, dreams and life-changing experiences. He reminded me that while I may never have a huge chunk of time devoted to a Big Life-Changing Adventure, I have a number of smaller adventures that are important to me.

Brett jokes that I would be gone every other weekend traveling if I could. It's so true, it's not really a joke. But responsibilities at home, church, and school, as well as not having a significant amount of cash, prevent me from traveling much more than once a year. The point is to not let those responsibilities and the busyness of daily life get in the way of me enjoying my life and my little adventures or prevent me from planning my bigger adventures.

Brett shared this quote that he liked with me:
“Everyone knows that tearing feeling between necessity’s pull and your heart’s pull. That balance between needing to pay the bills and having a dream. It is a difficult road. All I [know is] that I [am] determined somehow to follow my heart...”
-Bear Grylls, The Kid Who Climbed Everest

Then I shared this quote with him:
"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun." — Chris McCandless

I don't exactly agree with the above quote (by Chris McCandless) for myself, but I get what it is trying to say. I, however, find myself in happy circumstances that include a life of security. It is having that security, both financial and familial, that allows me the freedom to plan new experiences--perhaps not as many as I would wish, but certainly more than I would have otherwise. I may not be a great explorer or an individual with a "passion" for adventure, but I do have my own little set of dreams and hopes and desires for new experiences. And I feel blessed to have a husband who loves me and encourages me to pursue those things that matter to me.

Brett and I concluded our conversation with the idea that while some dreams may come about spontaneously--for us, our dreams are most likely to happen with careful planning. Say it. Write it. See it. Plan it. Do it.

Here are some adventures we hope for:
2013- A family ski trip
(and perhaps another trip to Germany for Becca)
2014- Grand Canyon!!
2016- Taking the boys to Germany

Later that evening I asked Todd (who was not a part of the above conversation at all), "Todd, you know how Dad is having a great adventure this year....What adventure would you want to do for yourself?" His reply, "The Grand Canyon. ...and white water river rafting." I look forward to sharing our family plans with him and giving him the chance to see his dream become a reality.

I am happy that my boys have a father who can show them, teaching them by example, the way to make their dreams come true. I hope that they will be able to do the same for themselves one day.

New Year's Resolutions

This past Sunday I taught the lesson in Relief Society (our women's group) at church. It is so much harder for me to create a lesson from scratch rather than using an outline or topic from a lesson manual. However, I feel it went well, though I was only able to share about half of what I came prepared with. The following is a summary of my lesson which I typed up for our monthly newsletter.

At this time of year many of us think about writing New Year’s resolutions. Many popular resolutions include losing weight, getting fit, eating better, managing finances, reducing stress, getting a better job, traveling, etc. While these are worthwhile things to work on, I hope that we do not lose sight of those things that are most important. In the gospel resource True to the Faith we read, “As you seek to be happy, remember that the only way to real happiness is to live the gospel. You will find peaceful, eternal happiness as you strive to keep the commandments, pray for strength, repent of your sins, participate in wholesome activities, and give meaningful service.” We learn this same principle in Mosiah 2:41, where we read that those who keep the commandments are happy and are blessed both temporally and spiritually.
As we set goals to change our behaviors let us keep in mind that we need the help of our Savior Jesus Christ and his Atonement. He can help us overcome our weaknesses and repent of our sins, and change our very nature. As we pray in faith we can gain insight on those things that are most important for us to work on. For some it may be focusing on your family history; for others it may be having more regular scripture study, more meaningful personal prayer, or holding regular family home evening. President Thomas S. Monson said, “When we remember that each of us is literally a spirit son or daughter of God, we will not find it difficult to approach our Heavenly Father in prayer. He appreciates the value of this raw material which we call life…. There is a teacher who will guide our efforts if we but place our faith in Him—even the Lord Jesus Christ. He invites us: ‘Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest’” (“Your Eternal Home,” Ensign, May 2000, 52).
I hope that you will prayerfully select one or two things to work on this year that will help increase your faith in the Savior. Do not be discouraged with all of the things that you are not doing perfectly. Rather, recognize the good things that you are doing already, know that the Lord loves you as you are, and that he will help you become more like Him as you put your trust in Him. President Gordon B. Hinckley encouraged us in our efforts saying, “Changes may not be measurable in a day or a week or a month. Resolutions are quickly made and quickly forgotten. But, in a year from now, if we are doing better than we have done in the past, then the efforts of these days will not have been in vain” (“An Humble and a Contrite Heart,” Ensign, Nov 2000, 88-89).

If I took the time to really think about everything I would like to see myself doing differently this year (you know--exercising, blogging more, organizing my photos, sending out a Christmas card sometime this year, writing more personal thank you notes and birthday cards...) the list would be overwhelming. Even the example which I just shared is overwhelming. Rather, I plan to focus on one important goal this year: holding Family Home Evening every week, most likely on a Sunday evening (since I still plan on singing with my chorus group which meets Monday nights). I think the most difficult part will be finding a system for planning our "lesson" each week that will be easy for me to keep up with. Once I find out what works (through trial and error) I feel confident that I will be able to keep it going.

So don't be surprised if you never get that thank you note, birthday card, or Christmas letter and photo this year. Know that I am working on strengthening my family in the gospel but still thinking of you all in the process.

What a Whopper!

I came across an article in my Parenting magazine called, "What a Whopper!" I was curious what it might say, since I have a preschooler who often says things he knows are untrue. I found the following statement interesting:

"Lillian was lying frequently, for kicks, and she'd never admit that a made-up story wasn't true. Should I insist on honesty, I wondered, lest she develop into a pathological liar? Or let it slide, to avoid crushing her creativity?
"The latter, apparently: The experts I quizzed about Lillian's tale were unfazed. 'There nothing wrong with her telling it.' says Michael Brody, M.D., a child psychiatrist in Potomac, Maryland. 'Very young kids don't know the difference between truth and fiction.'
"In fact, this type of lying can be a sign of good things. 'Preschoolers with higher IQ scores are more likely to lie,' says Angela Crossman, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York, who researched the subject. Early lying proficiency may also be linked with good social skills in adolescence."

In general, I found the article somewhat disturbing. At no point did they really emphasize the role parents have in teaching their children honesty. I got the feeling they were saying, "Don't worry so much if your toddler lies. He'll grow out of it just like everyone else." The problem is that many don't grow out of it. There are plenty of adults who lie, stretch the truth, or are dishonest in other ways. I don't want my children to be dishonest as they mature. In order for them to avoid that, I feel they need to be taught while they are young.

Now, I understand that there is a difference between telling a story for fun that he knows is not true and telling me a lie when I ask a direct question. For example, when we were driving down Highway 20, we passed a father and son who were walking together on the sidewalk. A minute later Ryan says, "I saw a little boy walking down the street with no daddy." I knew that wasn't true, but I was able to play along with it saying, "Really?!? That sounds dangerous" or something along those lines. Another minute later Ryan fessed up, "Not really. He was walking with a daddy, but no mommy." I understand that this kind of thinking is stretching his imagination, helping him understand the world around him, figuring out the difference between fact and faction, whatever.

But when I ask him in the morning, "Ryan, did you keep your diaper dry last night?" I expect him to be able to answer me truthfully. Sometimes he swears he kept it dry, but when I look at the diaper sitting at the top of the trash I can see (and smell) that he was nowhere near staying dry. The problem is that he knows keeping a dry diaper reaps the reward of a small piece of candy. So he answers what is most convenient, regardless of whether it is true.

I don't punish Ryan for lying in those situations, because I know that he is still quite young and is still learning what truth is. However, I do call him on it. I will point out that he did not tell me the truth, and that when I ask him a question he needs to tell me the right answer.

I guess my point is, yes, preschoolers are still very young and do not always understand the difference between truth and fiction. However, if you let it slide too often and too long, you may find yourself with a popular adolescent who has all the friends in the world, but who lies constantly to her parents and gets into a heap of trouble.

Nuggets of Wisdom

I have amazed myself by reading about three books in the last three weeks. I have always enjoyed reading, but don't usually manage to find the time to do it as often as I would like. Last week's book was The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale. It is a retelling of the Grimm's Brothers' fairy tale of the same name (which I had never heard of). It was a sweet book, and I enjoyed reading it. I was kind of sorry when I finished it.

This week's book was Rosanna of the Amish by Joseph W. Yoder. I was given this book by my mom many years ago. In fact, my maiden name is printed on the inside cover. I had never read it, and decided that it was about time I did. It is another young adult book (my prefered genre of late). It tells the true story of a girl raised in the Amish religion. It is told by her son, and describes the life of the Amish from birth to death. It was interesting, and I enjoyed learning a little more about the Amish people and their customs, but the book was not exactly "entertaining". However, there is one paragraph I wanted to share from this book.

I find it interesting that although I have been doing pleasure reading lately when I should probably be doing more scripture reading, I am still occasionally able to find words of truth that speak to me. Often these insights are just what I need to hear. Perhaps I find these nuggets because my thoughts are focused on a particular subject and I pick up on them as I read.

This nugget takes place in the book when Rosanna's husband is chosen to be a minister in the church. The words spoke to me as I consider a possible new calling in my own church.

"Bishop Peachey was especially helpful. He knew from experience what a staggering blow it was to a member to assume the duties of minister, and preach the Word of God without any particular training or preparation. But he assured Little Crist that, heavy as the burden seemed now, as he began to apply himself to the study of the Word of God, and as he understood the Scriptures more and more and became experienced in preaching the Word, the consciousness of doing the will and the work of the Lord would so lighten the load that someday it would transform these burdens into the joy of service.
"Crist pondered these wise and sympathetic words during the days that followed, and they slowly lifted his burden and gave him peace."

This describes my general feeling about callings in church and why I am usually willing to put so much time into them. Though at times it may feel like a burden, I recognize the joy that comes from service. However, before you begin something new there is always a little trepidation and uncertainty as to whether you will be able to accomplish what is necessary. It is sometimes hard to have that hope of joy in your service. But I know that it always does come with time.

Bless Me - A Child's Bedtime Book

It was time to do some sorting through the books in our home library. I continue to add books here are there for the boys. It's So easy to add things to our home than to remove things, even when it is their time to leave.

This book was one of Ryan's favorite bedtime stories for a long time. He no longer requests it, he has gotten a little old for it, and we certainly have lots of other books for him to choose from. However, I couldn't say good-bye to this book completely before recording the poem for me to read over some time down the road when I am feeling sentimental. I will have to rely on memory to supply the illustrations as I read through it.

Bless Me
by Grace Maccarone and Sam Williams

Bless the moon
Bless the stars
Bless my night-light
Bless my cars
Bless my trucks
Bless my chairs
Bless my table
Bless my bears
Bless my bunny
Bless my mouse
Bless the family in its house
Bless my pillow
Bless my bed
Bless me, too, from toes to head
Bless the water, earth, and air
Bless the children everywhere!

Born For Glory

I just finished one of the books in my read-and-pass-along stack, Stranger at Stonewycke. I received it as a gift, and I don't think that the giver realized that this book was the first book in the second trilogy about a family in Scotland, heirs of an ancient castle named Stonewycke. It is an Inspirational (Christian) fiction and is a little cheesy, but was still a diverting, easy read.

The lead male character learns more about his great-great-uncle Digory who had been a groom at the estate. The Lady of Stonewycke admired this man and spoke of him with respect.

"He was not a man of many words or great intellect. But he lived what he believed, and I think it shaped me as a child more than anything else in my life. . . . Digory couldn't help what he did. He was not trying to foist anything off on me. Just being around him was a learning experience. Sometimes he didn't have to say a word. You could see in the way he treated the animals, or in that glowing peace which was always in his eyes, that there was a difference in him not found in the average man. So many in our station of life look down on what they call the common man. But often real commonness lies in those the world counts greater. True nobility is a matter of the heart, Logan. And I can tell you, your uncle Digory was no common man. He was a true aristocrat. When he spoke, every word possessed substance and came from a heart of love." (Italics added)

Similarly, the lead female, after experiencing a change of heart, reflected on what made her own father a great man.

"Such thoughts reminded Allison of the boundless love in his nature that more than equalled his energy, and his hearty laughter, and his capacity to make friends with everyone. She had not allowed herself to notice such qualities of his character before, qualities which made of him no common man indeed, but rather a great one. How much she had missed!"

I really liked these paragraphs and what they said about the things that make a great man. I didn't think much more about it until a day later when Ryan asked me about a magnet on my refrigerator. He asked me what it said. It was one I received after a lesson in Relief Society; it reads, "You were born for glory."

Certainly, I have heard this message countless times as I have grown up. I am a child of God. I am an individual with unique gifts and am important in the eyes of the Lord. He will bless me more than I can imagine as I live faithfully and continue to put Him first in my life. I have also been taught about those individuals who were not great in themselves, but who were able to accomplish great things because they followed the Lord and did what He needed them to. Queen Esther was a great example of a woman in the scriptures who courageously stood up for what was right and saved a nation.

However, thinking about what I had read and about the words on the magnet gave me another chance to think about this principle. I don't need to save a nation to be a great woman. In fact, because I don't think that I ever will have to do that, the words had not sunk in and become personal to me. Rather, realizing that greatness can and often does occur with those who are considered common was eye-opening to me.

It should not have been a surprise. After all, our greatest teacher, Jesus Christ, spent his life in service. And though he was the Only Begotten Son of our Heavenly Father, he was not above washing the feet of his friends. However, because he did so much more than that I think I forgot that I can be great in my own small way by living as a righteous daughter of God.

These thoughts were followed by an experience I had yesterday afternoon. Ryan and I went to eat at Danny's Fried Chicken. I let Ryan pick the table, and we ended up sitting right next to a woman who was eating alone. I saw her look over at us a few times, but didn't think too much of it. (Who can resist watching an adorable little boy?) When she had just about finished her lunch she started up a conversation with us, saying that Ryan looked like a sweet boy and it looked like we had a good relationship.

I had never thought about our "relationship" before. I sometimes worry about what our relationship will be when the boys become teenagers, but talking and spending time with my little boys has been easy. However, I could tell that the woman's words were sincere, and they hinted at a little sadness and regret in her own life. I did not think much of what I was doing that would impress this woman. Ryan and I had just spent our lunch chatting and sometimes cuddling because the restaurant was a little cold, but I also had to remind him to sit on his bottom and eat his food a few times during the course of our meal.

The woman had told me that I was a good mother. It surprised me that such a common experience--watching a mother eat lunch with her little boy--could leave such an impression on a stranger. But it brought home the lesson I was meant to learn this week. In those everyday interactions that I have with my children, my family, and my friends, great things can be accomplished as my actions and words are filled with love and follow the example of my Savior.

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven" (Matthew 5:16).

Quote of the Day

From BYU Magazine, Summer 2007, p. 62, quoting Karl G. Maeser:
"If amidst all these changing scenes clouds of discouragement did occasionally darken the horizon of our vision, they were always dispelled by the voice of the Spirit whispering, 'O ye of little faith.'"

I loved the visual of this quote. It reminds me to put my hope and trust in God and that "all things work together for good to them that love God" (Romans 8:28).