Overcoming Fears of Traveling Alone

We are currently on vacation in California. We spent the first week with my brother's family and took a few trips into Los Angeles. Of course, my sister-in-law, the native Californian, did all the driving. Sadly, they had to leave for their own vacation, and I stayed on longer. The question was, do I stay in my comfort zone of the Santa Clarita Valley? Or, do I venture on my own and continue going on outings with my boys? Doing so would require I drive the L.A. freeways.

I could feel myself resisting. At the same time, that sense of fear was also challenging me to prove to myself (and the world!) that I can do it. I am strong! I am capable! I can be independent! So I drove myself into Los Angeles twice this week--once to the aquarium in Long Beach, and once to the Griffith Observatory. Both were successful trips.

I hope that I am teaching my boys not to be timid about doing the things they want to do. Their dad showed them in a big way to follow their dreams by hiking the Appalachian Trail. I have my own smaller travel dreams that I drag them along to enjoy with me.

I want to be fearless, but I am not quite there yet. I almost always travel to be with family. My family lives in some of the most beautiful places in our country: coastal California and New England; Utah, and its beautiful mountains and geography. I also have family through Brett who live in Bavaria, Germany. I absolutely love enjoying these areas with my family. It is so easy to travel when I have family greeting me off the plane, and coming along on outings.

But I am also determined to enjoy outings with my boys without the comfort and security of my family. I have done it before, both out-of-state and closer to home. However, this summer I am trying some new things (like driving through L.A. traffic).

The last time we visited California, my brother's family took us on the train into downtown Los Angeles. My boys wanted to take the train again. I decided to combine that with my desire to take them to the LaBrea Tar Pits.

The MetroLink (train) doesn't take you directly to the tar pits, so I had to do some research and plan a route using additional modes of transportation, like the Metro buses. We took the MetroLink train from Newhall to Union Station, walked a few blocks to the stop for the Metro bus 28, rode that for a good half hour, and walked a few more blocks until we reached the museum. Success! The only problem was that I forgot to coordinate my return travel plans. Without Wi-Fi I was stuck having to ask for help. Fortunately, a kind museum employee looked up my return route online for me. We couldn't go back the same way, because the bus we had used only ran in the morning. For our return route we walked a block to the bus stop, took the bus to a subway station, rode the Metro purple line to Union Station, and took the MetroLink from there back to Newhall. Again, success!

A few notes about our experience using L.A.'s public transportation. First, a complaint. Where is their customer service? I was disappointed that it wasn't easy to plan my route. I (and the helpful museum employee) was able to find most of the necessary information using their web site. However, without Internet access I was stuck with no tools to find my way. If there was a Metro help center or tourist information center in Union Station, I never found it. The first bus had a few paper maps/schedules, but not one for the line it was currently running! When we had to purchase our fare for the Metro subway line, there was no one available to answer my questions. I thought I could use the same TAP card (a reusable money card that you are required to use for your Metro train fares) for me and the boys. After I got through the gate and my boys couldn't follow, I was in a mild panic until a kind stranger helped me sort it out. In the end, it all worked out and I suppose I am more prepared for the next time. I will learn from this experience, and I hope my boys will too, but it would have been nice to have some on-location resources.

I think using public transportation ended up being more expensive (even if I had used my brother's gas-guzzling SUV) and took more time than if I had driven myself. (I hesitate to disclose the total cost . . . $50!) But I do feel it was worth it. My boys wanted to ride the train--check! And I want my boys to experience using public transportation so they will be comfortable navigating the system when they are older and traveling on their own. Todd is already well on his way and was a help to me yesterday working the automated TAP card machines. We have now ridden the bus and underground rails in Montreal, Boston, and Los Angeles. I hope I am preparing them well to travel with courage and enthusiasm.

I also don't want my boys to be afraid of being with locals who use the bus regularly. Certainly, I want them to be cautious and safe, but not afraid. Yesterday, Todd was the only blond-haired, blue-eyed person I saw riding the bus and the metro. The majority of the people we saw did not speak English as their first language. We rode though Chinatown and Koreatown where most of the business names and advertisements were written in a language that we can't even begin to pronounce, though some of them did include smaller English translations. We saw skyscrapers and the city, with all its graffiti, up close. And it was great. Great, in the sense that I was able to show my boys a little of the world outside of their homogeneous hometown. I love our hometown, but I know that the world is a big place, with people whose experiences are vastly different than ours. We can be kind and respectful to all people. We can also be grateful and mindful of how fortunate we are.

So far this summer I have faced the challenge of driving in L.A. and the adventure of using public transportation. Now I am ready for my next travel adventure--going to a national park and camping for two nights on my own. Tent, fire, hikes, s'mores and all!

A Case of the Lazy Mom

I try not to be. But more times than I care to admit, I have to admit I am a lazy mom. Case in point: teaching your child how to tie his own shoes. What is the appropriate age for a child to learn how to tie his shoes? I think they should start learning in kindergarten and be proficient maybe by first grade. This was true for my youngest. However, it is only true because he was motivated to learn. He asked for the skill to be demonstrated, watched, practiced, and exerted his independence by doing it himself (even if we were running a little late and I was ready to jump in and just get it done myself). My oldest is finally learning to tie his shoes, and he is (I am embarrassed to say) in the the fourth grade.Yikes! How did I let this happen? The answer--I'm lazy, of course. It was far too easy to keep buying velcro shoes. We have talked about needing to work on this skill together for years. I thought I was committed to making it happen this summer. I had a plan--a plan which quickly fell apart the moment summer began. Right before school started I bought Todd a pair of tie-shoes. We agreed that this was it. It was time for him to learn how to tie his own shoes. And he has. Only he is not using the traditional method. Brett recently taught the whole family a new way to tie our shoes. It is supposed to be much more effective at staying tied. I agree that it seems to be a stronger knot. It is a little awkward, but I prefer using it to tie my own sneakers. So while I am lazy, apparently you can teach an old dog some new tricks.

For Brett From Home (4/17/12)

I think Ryan has been having a hard time with our busy schedule this spring. He was complaining about an upset tummy on Sunday night and again on Monday morning. The boy said he felt too sick to go to school. I knew that I could push him to go to school, but I just had a feeling that he should stay home. I reminded him that staying home from school meant make-up work, no after-school play time with friends, no baseball that evening, and a nap. He happily agreed to the conditions. His mood improved significantly when the time for catching the bus had come and gone. But I didn't hear a word of complaint that afternoon on the friends issue. He also made an attempt to rest in the afternoon, but I was the only one who caught a few z's. In the end, I still don't regret letting Ryan have his mental health day. I am happy that he has an easy baseball schedule this week. No game or practice until Friday. Oma took Todd to baseball this afternoon, so Ryan has the rest of the afternoon to be a little boy, now that he has finished his math homework. I think he needed this break.

Todd, on the other hand, is doing just fine. In fact, with this week being FCAT testing you might think that Todd would be a little more stressed. Not at all. He is the one reminding me about eating a good breakfast. He suggested making "real" oatmeal for breakfast this morning, complete with raisins. How could I refuse him? Rather than being stressed this morning, he was excited about the prospect of getting Nerds as a snack at school after the test.

I had errands to run yesterday, so Ryan got to tag along with me. Ryan had one request: we had to get a birthday present for Copper. Per his request I took him to Walgreen's, where we found a glow-in-the-dark frisbee ring. I thought it was a perfect idea. Ryan let the ring soak up some rays and tested it in the bathroom. It really glowed. That night we tried it out and almost lost it. The ring had lost is glow and we couldn't see it in the bushes where Ryan had thrown had landed it. Still, it was a very sweet thought. Ryan also gave Copper a belated birthday treat yesterday. He let Copper lick his empty yogurt container. That sweet boy loves his Copper.

I also bought a special treat for Ryan at the grocery store: Silk, vanilla-flavored almond milk. Ryan has been begging me to buy it ever since he tried it at a friend's house. He loves it. I think he drank three cups of it yesterday. I like it okay, but just in small quantities. I might like it more as I get used to it. It did taste good with my bananas and oatmeal this morning.

Ryan and I also stopped at the vet yesterday and picked up some flea medicine for Copper. I gave it to him last night, and I didn't see any fleas on him when I checked him today. (Yeah!) I bought some special soothing shampoo to use on him, hopefully tomorrow. I also noticed that he seemed to have a little limp again today. I checked his paws thoroughly (he hated every minute of it), but I didn't see anything suspicious. I'll keep an eye on him.

This afternoon, instead of offering his yogurt container to Copper, Ryan mutilated his yogurt cup. He was using his spoon to bend out the bottom of the container. He reminded me so much of you, testing the properties of the plastic--pushing, scraping, poking, exploring, thinking. He also completely took apart (and put back together) the mechanical pencil he was using for his homework today, at times writing with it half-assembled. I restrained myself from telling him to just let the pencil be. I know it is good for him to put his curiosity to work. It amazes me to see his brain work sometimes. A little Brett.
I wonder how soon we will be able to employ Ryan's assistance in honey-do projects. I haven't heard the details yet, but I think your dad heard big bad news about the lawn mower. I may ask Deede about having Alex help out with the lawn. The corner cabinet in the kitchen could also use an oiling, when you get a chance. It is quite squeaky.

I have been working quite a bit on the blogs (a total of three) that I am keeping up for you. I have spent a lot of time setting them up and rearranging some things. My goal is that if I do it right now, then the photos, updates, and journal entries will all be organized at the end of the trip so we can do something special with it. I think we should do just that--something special. I think it is important to have your experience documented for your posterity.

I am typing now to the sound of seven boys playing nicely in the backyards (on the playset in Tammy's yard at the moment). Music to my ears. I feel very lucky to have great neighbors and friends so close for the boys to play with.

I met up with some church friends at Top This, the new frozen yogurt store that moved into the old Coastal Lumber building (Is that the name of the store that was across from the high school? I can't believe I've already forgotten.). While I was there I ran into (UPS driver) Carlos. He had heard (maybe from Donna?) that you were hiking the A.T. He said that he hiked the Georgia section. He started out with the intention of hiking to Blood Mountain and just kept going until he reached the Georgia/North Carolina border. It sounds like has the attitude of "never-again!". You'll have to ask him about it when you get back.

I had another aviary surprise today, though with the mild winter I shouldn't be that surprised. I saw our first hummingbird. It was in the front yard and just peeked into the dining room window. Time for me to set up the bird feeder.

I think you will be pleased to know that your mom finally bought herself a new sewing machine. This week she bought a Bernina which she has been wanting for years. Her machine finally stopped working, so she has been using mine. Mine doesn't do any fancy stitches, but it does the straight and zig zag stitches just fine. I think your mom is excited about her machine. I told her that you would have been happy if she bought herself a good machine years ago. She deserves it.

I know it really hasn't been that long since I talked to you, but it kind of feels like it already. I look forward to hearing from you soon, and hope you're doing well.

More from today:
I took Ryan to Chick-Fil-A for dinner tonight. They were doing a school fundraiser tonight, similar to the Hungry Howie's school night. Ryan definitely has a European attitude when it comes to eating his meals. I think he enjoys the socializing more than the eating. When I encouraged him to take a bit for the hundredth time he replied, "I just don't feel like taking a bite." He was content to sit and talk, having my full attention.

When we got home Ryan and I took Copper for a golf course run. We passed the hedge of honeysuckles (correction: jasmine). They smelled so sweet. I thought of you. I also noticed that the two baby long leaf pine trees in the backyard seem to be doing very well.

Tonight before bed Ryan and I finally looked at the booklet about babies, as promised. We saw the goo-blobs, alien-looking babies, white-fuzz-covered babies, legs-up-in-the-face babies (like Ryan, right before he was born), and newborns. I don't remember having a detailed conversation with my mom when I was young about umbilical cords and how my belly button came to be. I'm also pretty sure I didn't ask her whether I pooped or peed in her tummy. Also, "Do you tell if it's a boy or girl by looking at how the baby sucks its thumb?" (Wha?...uh, no...You just look right there.) All things considered, it wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it might be.

Time With Todd

On Wednesday I skimmed an article that talked about some things we can do to help our families be functional (as opposed to dysfunctional). It mentioned being intentional about the way we express ourselves towards our children. I thought about how I could do a better job of spending quality time with my boys. I spend time with them; I talk to them; I sing a song to them and tuck them in bed at night; I read scriptures with them in the morning; I attend class parties and special functions; I try to make them good meals, including the occasional just-for-fun foods (like the star-shaped chicken hand pies we had for dinner last week) and encourage family mealtimes. But so often I feel like many of my activities with them are rushed.

It made me feel good when I thought about the past few days; I recognized two times that I slowed down for Todd. Ryan is an easy one to snuggle with and feel close to. Even today when I was in Ryan's classroom to watch his presentation he was sitting in my lap. (There weren't enough chairs to go around and that was an easy and mutually agreeable solution.) Todd really enjoys one-on-one time, but he doesn't always get it. I had been feeling like we have been really busy, and I wanted to play some games with the boys on Sunday. We played a game of Scattegories Junior with Jen. After she left I let Todd pick a game. Todd picked the game Life. I ever-so-slightly rolled my eyes, but agreed. I'm so glad that I did. We ended up having a really nice game together. I know that it means a lot to Todd when someone takes time to play with him, whether it is a board game or a backyard game of football or tether ball (like Papa played with him on Tuesday afternoon).

I had another opportunity to spend time with Todd Tuesday evening. On Wednesday there was a special dinner for the Cub Scouts called the Blue and Gold Banquet. All the boys were invited to make and decorate a cake. I felt like Todd should do as much as possible on his own. Knowing that he has little experience in the kitchen (because I don't have the patience to cook often with my children) I knew it would take a while. I wanted it to be good experience so I added some songs to a new playlist I called "Cooking With Todd," and I let Todd add some songs as well. Having the music helped me relax and have more fun with the activity. Todd impressed me with how well he knew his way around the kitchen finding all of the ingredients and the measure spoons and cups. He did a great job and we both had fun with it.

On Wednesday we decorated the cake. We were running a little late after school trying to get everything done, so I did feel a little rushed. But, Todd still decorated the cake using his own design and was really proud of the final product. I need to let the boys cook with me in the kitchen more.

Whenever I do something right with my boys I think, "I'm so glad that I am helping to create such a positive memory for them." It would behoove me to ask myself, "What kind of memory am I creating for them?" during those times that I allow things to get too rushed and show impatience with them. I want them to have and to remember a mom who took time with them.

The Golden Rule

Poor little Ryan came home from school and shared a bad experience from his day. First of all, this morning his class presented their oral presentations for Black History month. Ryan talked about Jackie Robinson, and I thought he did a great job. A volunteer took pictures and filmed the students. Ryan was one of the students featured on the end of the day school news program. Apparently, he found that embarrassing. Then he told me that the lunch lady laughed at him and called him a baby. I was a little confused until Ryan clarified that these were two unrelated incidents.

I made a mix-up when packing the lunches before school. Ryan got something Todd had picked out for lunch, and Ryan expressed his dislike. I imagine it was something like a very whiny "I didn't want those fruit nuggets in my lunch." The lunch lady who was standing nearby addressed his ingratitude and said something along the lines of, "Don't be such a baby." At least, this is the story I get from Ryan. Whatever was said and however it was said was hurtful enough that Ryan broke down and cried telling me the story. I tried to tell Ryan that the lunch lady probably hears whiny, ungrateful kids all day long and might have said something hurtful unintentionally because she was out of patience. But, even when I tried to look at the situation from her point of view, I still can't imagine that her words were justifiable.

It saddens me to hear name-calling. It especially hurts my heart to hear an adult calling a child names. Even when a child is being a little whiny or even a little obnoxious, name-calling has no place. I don't think adults realize how hurtful it is to call a child a "baby" (how often do you hear that??) "sissy" (I heard that one a week ago), "candy" (a new one I heard that over the weekend), telling a boy he is "acting like a girl" and so on.

Later in the evening Ryan brought up the Golden Rule. He pointed out that the lunch lady knows the Golden Rule. (I bet she has at least heard of it.) So, why would she treat someone a way that she wouldn't want to be treated? Good question. I think we are all guilty of saying something we later regret.

I used this as opportunity to remind my boys (and myself) how much our words can affect others. I am reminded of this great quote:
"Unless what you are about to say or do has a high probability for making things better, don't say it and don't do it" (Dr. Glenn I. Latham, "The Power of Positive Parenting").

Crying - An Unexpected First

Recently Todd shared with me that when he was watching a movie about a dog at Oma's house, it made him cry a little towards the end. Todd explained that the family in the movie moved to a new house and had to leave the dog somewhere, and the dog got out to go find the boy (or something close to that). We eventually figured out that the movie was one of the Lassie movies. I told Todd that I cry at movies all the time.

Only a day or so later I took my boys and our neighbor Logan to see Toy Story 3 at our local movie theater. There is a touching scene at the end when Andy is saying good-bye to his toys before heading off to college. My eyes started to tear up. I noticed that Todd, who was sitting right next to me, started wiping at his eyes. The scene continued. Tears were now falling down my cheek, when Todd rested his head on my shoulder. I rested my head on his. Then he linked his arm through mine on the armrest between us. We stayed like that for a few more minutes until the movie came to a close.

I can't tell you how much this experience touched me. It was such a sweet moment. Can it be that my son is maturing and developing empathy?
I certainly hope so.

Her Gift (and Baby Teeth)

With family that lives so near, it is nice to recognize the many special things we have to offer one another. For my design questions, I turn to my sister. (If I had an inkling to be more stylish, I would probably turn to her more...). For legal counsel and sound judgement we turn to Brett's father. We go to Brett's mom for our sewing needs: mending, hemming, making a wallet (see, anything goes!). For any of the following: questions about cars, borrowing a tool, removing a splinter, computer problems, strong muscles to lift and move, building a kitchen, identifying snakes, understanding the situation with the Deepwater Horizon, local geography, tying a rope, cutting down a tree, fixing...ANYTHING--we go to Brett.

And for wiggly teeth, we turn to Donna. After years of being a kindergarten teacher's assistant before moving here, Donna became quite the expert in baby teeth. Fortunately, she moved in two doors down from us right before Todd started losing his.

I don't really have a problem dealing with the messiness of children or with the blood that comes because of accidents that are bound to happen. But, as one who has a slight phobia of losing her own teeth (read: my nightmare), pulling my children's teeth is not something I am prepared to do. Ryan injured one of his top baby teeth sometime last year. All seemed fine, but a recent bump caused the tooth to become loose before he lost any of his lower baby teeth. The dentist said that she could see his adult teeth coming in on the x-ray, so there was nothing to worry about.

The tooth had been a little loose for almost two weeks, but a little bump yesterday (during my piano lessons) caused the tooth to loosen more and bleed (quite a bit--and my poor student had to witness!). Blood? No worries. Super-loose tooth? Time to call in reinforcements. We went ahead and started dinner before Donna arrived, but Ryan was struggling and was clearly uncomfortable. A few minutes into dinner, Donna arrived and - *pop* - that tooth was out and ready for the tooth fairy. [Todd, in a quiet aside, asked if Ryan could get $2.00 instead of just $1.00. They are saving to buy a cool Lego set, after all. No secret about the tooth fairy in this house.]

What's great about Donna is that she knows when a tooth is ready to come, and won't pull it before then. And when it's ready, the tooth is out before the kids even know what happened. My boys trust her as the tooth-pulling expert, and I am grateful to have one of those in the family!

I told Ryan that he was officially a big boy. He replied, "So, I'm six now" (even though he knows that his birthday isn't until September). It will take me a little time getting used to seeing my baby with his missing tooth. I was talking to a woman at a chorus rehearsal last week. She talked about her twenty-something year old son who was still her cuddly boy. I told her that my little Ryan would always be my cuddly baby as well. Rat-tail, gap-toothed smile and all.

[We couldn't figure out what my special gift was, though one of the boys offered, "maybe for cooking something." Thanks for the effort.]

Entertaining a Preschooler in the Grocery Store

I don't usually take my camera with me when I go grocery shopping. I haven't become one of those bloggers yet. But today I had just come from CVS where I was uploading some photos to print to share with the grandmothers for Mother's Day. (Yes, I'm a day late; and yes, it will be even later by the time the photos are sent.)

Ryan was starting to get on my nerves a little with his begging. He kept bringing up the toys from CVS that he wanted to go back and buy--rather toys he wanted me to buy.

As I mentioned previously, Ryan has become more interested in photography (see enthusiasm below).

I pulled my camera out of my purse, and the effect was immediate. What a privilege! The use of mom's camera with limited restrictions. So much to see. So much to document. The frosting, the cotton candy, and more!

Even better: Mommy's silly face. This photo produced even greater laughs when seen in the playback.

Now that the boys are a little older (and less likely to drop things), I may have to use the camera as a distraction tactic more often. Think of what you could document in Walmart!

In Self-Defense

I can't believe what I heard while visiting Todd's P.E. class for the weekly "Mile Club." As I was walking the track with Ryan we passed by a group of kindergartners who were talking. One of the boys was telling the others that a boy had pushed him, so he kicked him back. I pipe up, "Oh, No." He replies, "I can't get in trouble for self-defense." (!!!) The fact that a kindergartner would be thinking that way scares me like you can't believe. Somebody did something to me (by accident or not), so I can kick him, punch him, or do whatever I want in the name of "self-defense." I try to explain that it would be much better to say something like, "That hurt when you pushed me. Please don't do it again." I tell him to always try using words first. He, and the other kids with us, seemed to understand what I was saying at the time, but I doubt it will make much of an impact down the line if he is being brought up with opposite tactics for handling problems. I find it very sad and frustrating.

What a Whopper!

I came across an article in my Parenting magazine called, "What a Whopper!" I was curious what it might say, since I have a preschooler who often says things he knows are untrue. I found the following statement interesting:

"Lillian was lying frequently, for kicks, and she'd never admit that a made-up story wasn't true. Should I insist on honesty, I wondered, lest she develop into a pathological liar? Or let it slide, to avoid crushing her creativity?
"The latter, apparently: The experts I quizzed about Lillian's tale were unfazed. 'There nothing wrong with her telling it.' says Michael Brody, M.D., a child psychiatrist in Potomac, Maryland. 'Very young kids don't know the difference between truth and fiction.'
"In fact, this type of lying can be a sign of good things. 'Preschoolers with higher IQ scores are more likely to lie,' says Angela Crossman, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York, who researched the subject. Early lying proficiency may also be linked with good social skills in adolescence."

In general, I found the article somewhat disturbing. At no point did they really emphasize the role parents have in teaching their children honesty. I got the feeling they were saying, "Don't worry so much if your toddler lies. He'll grow out of it just like everyone else." The problem is that many don't grow out of it. There are plenty of adults who lie, stretch the truth, or are dishonest in other ways. I don't want my children to be dishonest as they mature. In order for them to avoid that, I feel they need to be taught while they are young.

Now, I understand that there is a difference between telling a story for fun that he knows is not true and telling me a lie when I ask a direct question. For example, when we were driving down Highway 20, we passed a father and son who were walking together on the sidewalk. A minute later Ryan says, "I saw a little boy walking down the street with no daddy." I knew that wasn't true, but I was able to play along with it saying, "Really?!? That sounds dangerous" or something along those lines. Another minute later Ryan fessed up, "Not really. He was walking with a daddy, but no mommy." I understand that this kind of thinking is stretching his imagination, helping him understand the world around him, figuring out the difference between fact and faction, whatever.

But when I ask him in the morning, "Ryan, did you keep your diaper dry last night?" I expect him to be able to answer me truthfully. Sometimes he swears he kept it dry, but when I look at the diaper sitting at the top of the trash I can see (and smell) that he was nowhere near staying dry. The problem is that he knows keeping a dry diaper reaps the reward of a small piece of candy. So he answers what is most convenient, regardless of whether it is true.

I don't punish Ryan for lying in those situations, because I know that he is still quite young and is still learning what truth is. However, I do call him on it. I will point out that he did not tell me the truth, and that when I ask him a question he needs to tell me the right answer.

I guess my point is, yes, preschoolers are still very young and do not always understand the difference between truth and fiction. However, if you let it slide too often and too long, you may find yourself with a popular adolescent who has all the friends in the world, but who lies constantly to her parents and gets into a heap of trouble.